in response

April asked a question on her blog, and while she posed the question on her blog, I felt like I could better articulate my answer here, instead of as a comment, so here goes. (Her question is here, the brief version is "What makes you, you?" - but deep down, not on the surface.)

***** the short answer *****

Luck, determination, and awareness - or a lack of any of the above - make people who they are.

***** the long answer *****

So, jumping in, feet first... recently I ran across an article (can't find it, sorry!) that said, pretty much, so long as your child knows she is loved, your parenting style is not going to make (or break) her... as a very conscientious parent, I let out a big ol' breath when I read that. Because there's always a little voice, "Could you have handled that differently?" (that's the little voice on a nice day - my little voice has said worse at times!)

I had a conversation with my sister a month ago, and we really became aware of how 'normal' we are. Not just her and I, but some of our cousins. And we talked about the biggest factor seemed to be that we all knew we were really, really loved. Not just by mama. Not just by mom and dad. But also by our extended family of aunts and uncles, grand parents, great aunts and uncles. No matter the crap life has thrown at us, there's always been this group of allies/defenders/protectors (By no means is that the cure-all, but, to us, it seems like one possibility).

From the outside looking in, my childhood seemed pretty great. And it was good, but it definately looked better than it was. The way my parents communicated (or didn't communicate) was all I knew. Looking back, I think it was an unhappy marraige painted over to look happy. Though there was (and is) obviously love there. And you could argue that with dad being a cop, working crazy shifts, communication was hard. Understood. One parent was very quick to find fault in whatever the other parent did or didn't do, treating the other like they were incompetent. Luckily I began to recognize this, and early in my relationship with Andy, told him about this pattern that I was afraid I might inadvertantly copy. Didn't realize this before it kinda became habit to treat 'incompetent parent' the way other parent had. Broke that habit, fortunately, but it was tough. As for Andy and I, well this habit creeped in periodically, and since Andy and I were woth aware of it, nipped it in the bud quickly. Oh, and for the record, my parents seemed to have figured out their patterns and habits, and things are much better balanced then when I was a kid.

Kids are resiliant. Really, really resiliant. I'm sure some of my habits and quirks just happened, but others, I know, I got from my dad (a serious concern for others well-being, to the point of doing whatever I can to get involved) or my mom (a big ol' case of wallflower syndrome). That's fun, btw, the internal battle between wanting to jump right in and *invite a stranger to dinner because I know they need a meal* versus *smile and walk away, and maybe I won't have to figure out what to talk about with this stranger - it might get uncomfortable.*

And, a whole 'nother set of my habits and quirks are because I saw the way someone (usually a parent, sometimes a grandparent or aunt/uncle) in my life was and I either liked that trait or didn't like it, and chose (rather subconsciously, I think) to act accordingly.

So, what makes a good person, good?

As for friends who's home life was less than good, one friend comes to mind, and she turned out good, overcame some potentially big barriers. But guess what. She had love. A crazy mom, crazier grandma, physically absent dad, a whole host of aunts and uncles. And for all the craziness, she knew she was loved, and protected, and wanted. A healthy dose of self esteem, some close friendships were also thrown in the mix.

On the flip side, what makes a bad person, bad?

I'm speculating here, that someone not realizing they are loved (because Lord knows there are bad people whose parents did the best they could and really, really love their children) might be enticed to do bad things, as would, more obviously, someone who really wasn't loved as they should have been. Abused, neglected, forgotten - how easy to fall into patterns of selfish, distructive behavior if you know no other way.

So, I guess the short answer is, luck, determination, and awareness - or a lack of any of the above - make people who they are.

**** and, for the heck of it, the fun, not so deep answer ****

My mom's patience and brains (passed down from both her parents), my dad's compassion and generosity (passed down from his mother), my Papa Ross's case of the always right, never wrongs, Grandpa John's silliness and constant desire to learn about things, Grandma Marg's faith, Grandma Ruthie's crazy craftiness, Great-Grandma Susie's craftiness, Great-Aunt Ibby's Sure, use more glitter! attitude, Great-Aunt Alyce's grace and love of letters, Great-Aunt Mary Jane's love of books, Tio's desire to take care of the world, and the joy of baking, which cannot be credited to any one person. Those are just some of the things that make me, me :-)